When I was in college, I felt like I could do anything. I was balancing two jobs (one very demanding and with weird hours) along with a full load of classes, my social life, and a long distance relationship. And I was paying for everything myself! I know it’s not the same as working 40 hours a week, but it was still a lot, and even though I was busy and stressed out I felt fairly confident with myself. I worked with good people which meant work-wise I had a good support crew and outside of work, I also had supportive/encouraging teachers, as well as my roommates, boyfriend and parents.
I felt similarly when I graduated and started looking for work, but that diminished over time and now I can say that confidence in myself is something that I am lacking, and I sort of know why but I don’t really know how to fix it. And it’s not necessarily an overall lack of confidence, it’s mostly centered around me working. I find myself collecting job listings but not actually applying for any of them, and generally what I really want to do is knit and watch something on Netflix.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have zero co-workers in Bend, and that when I do get to work with people, it’s to work for free. I really like my boss, but she lives in Portland, and her boss lives in Bellevue, so there are a lot of channels to go through to get anything done. I feel a little hopeless about finding a job– I thought I had something else worked out but now I’m not so sure. I might even have an interview at another place soon, but I am SO NERVOUS and feel like I won’t be up to their standards. Which sucks, because I still want to feel like I can do anything. So how do I get that feeling back, besides telling myself that I can do anything?
I’m feeling pretty grumpy in general– our new place has terrible insulation (we can see the light coming through the door and the door frame if that gives you any idea) and so it is not very warm inside. On the bright side this means I get to wear SO MANY hand knit things, but on the downside it also means there isn’t really a break from the cold outside so I always want to hibernate under blankets. I feel like I should be in the throws of wedding planning, but I’m kind of annoyed by the whole thing and don’t have a budget to work with yet (for a variety of reasons) so I don’t really want to make any concrete plans. Along those lines, I am so tired of everything we do in regards to the wedding being centered around the price (“let’s do this because it will be cheap!” or what has been coming up a lot recently, “we don’t need a pro photographer because that’s a ridiculous amount of money!”)
I will stop complaining now though, because I just had a birthday and lots of people wrote or texted me and I loved hearing from everyone. I always love talking to people, so I should do that more, and i will put on some more layers and maybe eat something delicious because those are also things I love. Life isn’t that bad, I am just frustrated. That’s all.